“You say you want a revolution

Well, you know

We all want to change the world.”

The Beatles, “Revolution”

Yes, my fellow Americans, the Defender of Liberty has returned from his eagle aerie atop Mount Rushmore in a dark hour.

What? No, who said anything about the president? If there’s anything you should remember from the handbook (see my previous articles), it’s that true citizens bleed all 50 states no matter the squatter in the Oval Office. Unless, of course, he invades Canada.

No, I’m here to return sanity with the best organ for the job: the gut. And right now, my gut tells me all 300 million of us stand at the edge of anarchy. To which I say: Just what do you think you’re doing, everyone? The era of big government controlling our lives is ending, and you take these newfound freedoms and exercise them?

There’s nothing less American than criticizing the government of the people. After all, we made it. How did you feel when Beth from down the block made snarky remarks about your green bean casserole? President Trump is feeling the same way.

Just wait until the next block party, Beth.

“I make my living off the evening news

Just give me something-something I can use”

Don Henley, “Dirty Laundry”

Obviously, some of you haven’t gotten the news. America is great again, but everytime I turn on the news, I see protests and open forums for democratic discussion. So let me join the Fox News commentators and advise you: Go back home to the suburbs and relax behind your citizenship and middle-class careers. Nothing calms me down like kicking back and sipping a well-aged 401k.

Even worse than the threat of peaceful protests, the fake mainstream media cartel has endeavored to make these liberal elites appear part of a popular movement. Clearly, CNN has become adept at digitally rendering protesters all across Facebook Live in real time. If they can do it to Princess Leia, imagine how this technology can be used for evil.

One small travel ban on millions of people, and the CGI citizenry marches en masse on our transportation hubs. Let me assure you, the only place in an airport people should be packed together like cattle and shouting is the TSA checkpoint.

Don’t worry — I have a solution. Just trust the authorities more. After all, the Attica Prison inmates wouldn’t have been beaten, tear gassed, and shot if they had listened and stayed in their cells. The National Guard was encouraging the protesters to exercise their First Amendment rights in the state-sanctioned forum: Twitter.

“You’re trying to keep our feelings off the streets”

Pink Floyd, “Pigs (Three Different Ones)”

Our Freedom Defender in Chief himself circumvents the dishonest media through Twitter, where he’s free to express his progressive vision to his heart’s delight with the slight restriction of 140 characters. See, that last sentence was 175 characters, and, obviously, I’m nowhere close to the eloquence of the leader of the free world.

Don’t spin my words, liberal media, I’m still a believer in free speech. Just the sort of free speech that doesn’t block my commute or picket my work. Those voices vital to a democracy that I can scroll past to the next cat video.

Oh, right. I’m looking for the free speech that doesn’t force me to evaluate my beliefs or acknowledge that the other side is made up of human beings too. That speech that lets me dwell on the good old times without thinking about a changing present.

Yes, I’ve got it! Classic rock.

“And the world looks just the same

And history ain’t changed”

The Who, “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

Just remember, any time you feel that the world needs your voice, don’t get fooled again. Listen to the free speech of anti-leftists like U2, Pink Floyd and Bruce Springsteen, and I guarantee you’ll feel the radicalism melt away.

Search for Free Speech Lite on the App Store. Available for $1.29 a song.

So tweet. Tweet for America. Tweet for democracy. Flootesters, it’s theod the Wi-Fi with your grievances. Make your blockable voices heard! Thanks to you logic-loving, PR-only space we have left for civil discourse, and we know that all civil discussions take place on the internet.

Hey, look where you’re reading this.

Contact Stephen Roddewig at roddewsa@dukes.jmu.edu.