Yes, the defender of liberty is back. This time, I’m going to stand up for a proud facet of American glory that, for once, needs help defending itself. I’m speaking, of course, of the bastion of independence, the arsenal of democracy: The American military.
Back in 2015, all the Republican presidential candidates could agree on one thing: Our military is broken. It seems that it’s really let itself go in the last eight years.
I agree wholeheartedly with them. We only outmatch the next 10 countries combined in military spending. But what about the rest of the world? If we’re not outspending all 195 other countries on the planet, are we truly safe? With all these weapons we have, they’re going to be a bit suspicious of us.
Not to mention, there are seven billion people on the planet and only 300 million are Americans. We’re going to need a lot of F-22s to even those odds.
Besides, the American military has brought us some of our greatest national moments. It deserves our unquestioning support (and a new nuclear submarine or two). Let me count the ways.
In the War of 1812, we gave Her Majesty such a mauling at the Battle of New Orleans that the resulting glory covered over the fact that the peace treaty had already been signed. By the way, sorry about that, Paul McCartney.
The Mexican-American War began as a dispute over a river. By the end of the fighting, we had liberated a third of Mexico’s territory and proved that we could be good to the Rio Grande as our border. And hey, if we hadn’t picked a fight with an unprepared foe, where would “the best wall” be put? The Nueces River just doesn’t have the same ring to it. You’re welcome, Trump.
Next, the Spanish-American War gave us the chance to drive the Spaniards out of the Western Hemisphere for good. In the ensuing brawl, we won a little-known base by the name of Guantanamo Bay, and the U.S. has been a leader in human rights ever since.
And let’s not forget the Vietnam War. After dropping concentrated democracy (and just a smidgen of napalm) from our B-52s, we pulled out our troops and let the liberty shells take effect. I think history will show who the winner was.
You liberals complain that we’re holding a gun to the world and breeding resentment, but national security demands it. Deny this: There are a lot of resentful countries out there. Your words, not mine. Honestly, after that illustrious history I just described, I have no idea what they’re so upset about.
You know who else agrees with me? The military-industrial complex. I wouldn’t try going against these guys (they have a lot of weapons). Besides, the defense industry is a job creator. If you want economic growth, invest in an industry that produces armaments that are meant to be destroyed. Therefore, we’ll always need more, which means more jobs. If you just brush off the peacenik’s concerns about killing for profit, it’s a flawless business model!
The leftists out there will point out that we’ve been at war 223 years out of our 240 year history, but I say that’s good business strategy. We’re just boosting demand. Think of it as a really corrupt money laundering scheme, except this one is legal.
Finally, you liberals will bring up the last two successful foreign wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. You’ll complain that the wars dragged on for a decade, cost trillions and claimed thousands of lives.
Clearly, you haven’t been paying attention: George W. Bush, our greatest president, declared that the mission was accomplished back in 2003. I know because it was on a giant banner on an aircraft carrier. Hey, the administration has never misled us before.
If the wars were less victorious than you wanted, then point that finger at yourselves. Yes, you who kept raising questions: Did the administration forge the reason for invading? Is this worth the lives and the costs? What is this gaining us? You obviously forgot: If we ask questions, the Taliban wins.
Remember, liberals, this one’s on you. Think about this next time you go raising your facts and your “concerns” about America’s foreign policy. Better yet, listen more to your gut next time. President Bush did, and he never led us astray.
Here’s to another 223 years, America.
Contact Stephen Roddewig at email@example.com.