“But it was only fantasy

The wall was too high

As you can see”

Pink Floyd, “Hey You”

Hello, America.

Yes, it’s me again. I must hand it to you, every time things seem to have finally calmed down, you find another issue that needs a good old-fashioned dose of patriotic instinct. So all you reason-ravers skedaddle. I’ll get to you bunch later.

Recently, the improvement of the border fence on the U.S.-Mexico border (Wall I) has become the (entire) platform of a presidential candidate. I don’t want to get overly political, but his name rhymes with Tronald Dump.

He claims that he’s going to build “the best wall” this nation has ever seen. Look it up — I didn’t. But I disagree. Trump isn’t willing to go anywhere near far enough to secure Uncle Sam’s borders. If America and the Constitution are going to be truly safe, we’re going to need a few more walls.

At this point, some in the freedom-killing conspiracy known as the Left may accuse me of being a xenophobic racist. I beg to differ. My anxiety doesn’t discriminate; I fear all foreign cultures equally. My gut tells me that’s what social equality is all about.

Now let’s start laying down some blueprints.

“Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the Rio Grande”

-ABBA, “Fernando”

America remembers all right, ABBA. And we’re not going to repeat that mistake with our northern neighbor. Celine Dion and Michael Bublé have already infiltrated!

Wall II: Canada. The border between the U.S. and Canada is the world’s longest unguarded border. But I don’t see goodwill and mutual trust, no sir. I see 4,000 miles of freedom being siphoned into the maw of socialized medicine.

Their peaceful ways and friendly diplomacy are all the more reason to be suspicious. Think of it like that one friend you have who never fails to be supportive and cheery. Not once. You can’t help but wonder: What are they really up to? What’s their angle here?

I’ve got it all figured out. The Canadians are forcing us to let our guard down so they can launch a surprise attack to seize all of our coveted liberty in one strike! But we’re going to keep them trapped up there where they belong, with their higher levels of happiness and unspoiled wilderness and higher life expectancy. Yeah, that’ll teach ’em.

“From sea to shining sea”

-Uncle Sam, “America, The Beautiful”

Wall III: The Pacific. Just think about it (or better yet, feel about it).You know who’s on the other side of this ocean? Japan, China, North Korea, Russia, Vietnam: all former or current enemies. After all the democracy we’ve imported to these countries (along with a healthy dose of Agent Orange), I’m sure they want us to stay out of their business behind this wall as much as we do.

Wall IV: The Atlantic. I know what the reasoned citizenry will be saying right about now: “Hitler already tried to build an Atlantic Wall, and we all know how that turned out.”

Just a minute, Mr. Historian. You’re functioning on facts, and facts have a well-known bias against gut reactions. But I’ll meet you on your level. The original wall fell because America wanted it to at Normandy.

OK, and the British.

Fine, fine, the Canadians too.

The point is, now one of these three wants the wall to stay up. I’m sure the original builders would approve.

“All in all, [we need] just another brick in the wall”

-Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”

Now’s the point where you logic-lovers can pick the paper back up again. I’ll take each of your counter arguments in turn and show you why they feel wrong.

You’ll accuse me of being an isolationist. Maybe so, but some of our greatest presidents were isolationists: Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Sure, they’re remembered for how they later got involved in the world and helped win the world wars, but let’s not forget that earlier part.

Besides, you liberals should support isolationism. You’re always bellyaching about the trillions spent on our two successful foreign wars and overseas bases. Well then, we’ll just pull back all our forces and post our arsenal of democracy on the American Wall. We’ll save on shipping costs alone. We may even qualify for free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime!

Walls have been defending man’s treasures and property rights for thousands of years. From the Walls of Jericho to the Berlin Wall, they’ve formed a reliable defense against the chaotic world beyond. But America has forgotten this lesson until recently, and we’ve left her liberty and fast food chains vulnerable.

So build your “best wall,” Trump, but don’t take too long. We’ve got another 10,000 miles to go.

Contact Stephen Roddewig at roddewsa@dukes.jmu.edu.