America, it’s time that we sat down and had a heart-to-heart. Yes, those of you who think with your hearts, this talk’s for you. I’ll deal with you logic-lovers and head-users later.

I know there’s been a lot of anxiety about guns in this great country. Some say that guns kill people, some say people kill people and others don’t talk at all as they reach for their side-arms. But don’t worry. Once we’ve finished this chat, no one will be coming for your guns. Because if there’s one thing I know like a bullet hitting me in the gut, it’s that the solution to gun crime isn’t less guns. It’s more guns.

You liberals out there might cry out in despair at that statement, but try and deny this: America was founded on the backs of the free citizens with their freely owned guns.

The hunting rifles and muskets of our forefathers were the original line of defense against America’s first and greatest enemy: the British. Yes, I shudder at the words too. Uncle Sam’s sons used their unregulated, privately owned guns to form militias and beat back the Beatles’ forefathers. But we’re not letting our guard down, no sir. We’ve been stockpiling our 300 million firearms for the lobsterbacks’ next assault ever since.

It saddens my heart to say that even today, our freedoms are under assault. Gun regulations are an affront to American liberty. We must ditch the ridiculous notion of background checks to prevent former criminals with violent records from buying guns. They need them just as much as we do. After all, there are former criminals and people with mental health issues with guns out there! Limiting magazine sizes is just a thinly veiled stepping block on the road to tyranny. Give them one inch, and soon the FDA will tell me I can’t buy apples loaded with “toxins,” even though I prefer the tang of pesticides.

We need to go further to stop government oversight from destroying these sacred liberties. Say it with me now: “Any regulations on my ability to unload must go!” Gun-locks, safety mechanisms, gun safes: all say “fascism” to my ears. Join me, and tell socialist Washington to remove anything preventing us from sending a hail of bullets at everything that threatens us (or moves).

After all, there are a lot of threats out there: international terror, domestic terror, crime, cybercrime, Americans with guns — the list goes on. In a world where everyone’s already armed, security can only be felt with a finger on the trigger. That hacker will think twice if he knows there’s a loaded Colt .44 pointed at the screen. Don’t believe me? Set “Colt44” as your password. He’ll get the idea (and your credit history).

“Hey Joe, I said where you goin' with that gun in your hand”

-Jimi Hendrix, “Hey Joe”

Breathe easy. “Big Government” Joe is going nowhere with your gun. Fortunately for all us patriots, there are champions out there battling any freedom-sucking regulations that come between us and our shields of freedom. I speak, of course, of the gun lobby. In this David vs. Goliath struggle against the behemoth of rational government laws, David has ditched his slingshot for an AR-15.

Special interest groups such as the National Rifle Association have been rallying for our natural God-given rights to own assault weapons, as memorialized in the sacred Second Amendment. And like the members of the NRA, I stand ready to join my state’s “well-regulated Militia” once the redcoats decide to finish the job. After all, a professional, disciplined army smacks of more government overreach.

Standing with the gun lobby, the gun industry has our back. As our fears grow in this chaotic and bullet-riddled world, the industry stands ready to supply the proportional number of firearms to compensate. Think of it like your mother allotting vitamins when you were a kid. Just don’t swallow these.

The leftist-Marxists and logic-lovers will argue that the industry is thriving off our fears and that the sale of guns is actually fueling the same fears that drive us to buy more. To that arm-waving, I will just use the magic bullet: the free market. Just like my gun, it always makes me feel better, even if I have no idea how it actually works.

“Behind the gun I’ll make my final stand”

-Bad Company, “Bad Company”

At this point, some of you will throw “unbiased” statistics at me about gun crime and mass shootings. No doubt something about socialist Europe and how few shooting deaths there are a year. Well go on, keep clinging to your delusional ideals of “health,” “civility” and “peace.” Your facts may tell you one thing, but my gut tells me another.

A democracy relies on a well-informed and well-armed citizenry. After all, “civil discourse” and “civil war” share the same first word. Let’s see any of you fact-clingers try to dispute that.

I call on all true Americans to make a stand. Stand for freedom. Stand for democracy. Stand for America. Just be sure to duck if you see a flash; the neighbors just got new side-arms for the kids.

Contact Stephen Roddewig at roddewsa@dukes.jmu.edu.