Mondays have suddenly become a lot less drab: “The Bachelor” is back.
While I don’t typically admit to watching this franchise, in reality my roommates and I are avid fans who treat the season much like others treat the NCAA’s March Madness, brackets and all. During last season of “The Bachelorette,” I ranked the male contestants vying for JoJo’s heart based on how tolerable they were. Ranking girls in the same way made me feel a little gross; the show is already misogynistic enough. But then I turned on the TV and witnessed these girls in action as they competed for bachelor Nick Viall’s heart. So, alas, setting my feminist streak aside, here’s my ranking of this season’s attention-starved girls.
This dead-last spot was originally going to be reserved for Liz, who’s very clearly only on “The Bachelor” for her 15 minutes of fame since she and Nick have a history, but she was sent home at the end of this episode, so Josephine has been crowned this honor instead. Josephine is the most annoying person I have ever seen on TV, and I’ve watched 10 seasons worth of Ross Geller.
Jaimi entered the show by pulling her septum piercing out of her nostrils and claiming that she had “balls,” and I haven’t yet been able to get that image out of my head. And writing about it here makes me vomit in my mouth again.
It seems the producers this season took great pains to find some truly cringe-worthy female specimens and Corinne takes the cake on this year’s top diva. This “very serious” 24-year-old businesswoman consistently refers to herself in third person and lives in Miami with her business parents and nanny who brings her chopped up cucumbers upon request. She didn’t pretend to leave her entitled side at home, either, as “Corinne always gets what she wants.”
Jasmine’s current screentime is limited, and she should be thanking the producers for that because she’d potentially beat out some of the others above her if we actually heard her open her mouth more. When she does get the opportunity to talk, I usually regret listening as she only ever bad-mouths the other girls. Oh, wait, I guess Jasmine and I have something in common.
Taylor, who’s 23, is far too young for Nick, who’s 36. For reference, he was attending prom while she was starting kindergarten. You could say “age is just a number,” but divert your attention for one second to Taylor’s immaturity and you’ll see that in this case it’s most certainly not.
Here comes the section of girls that I’m having a hard time recalling. Thanks to their blandness and normalcy, girls like Whitney haven’t received a ton of screen action. I’d feel bad, but Whitney’s bio makes her seem like the most uninteresting person ever (if she could be anyone, she’d be Gisele so she could be married to to Tom Brady) so perhaps limited camera interaction is a good thing.
Astrid’s another one of those vanilla contestants that just doesn’t really get the opportunity to make a splash. But by the contents of her bio (she wants to be a dolphin so she can rescue lost sailors), her ability to make a splash on screen seems a little out of reach anyway.
I hardly recall any instance at all when the camera was on Dominique, but she does mention Chipotle twice in her bio and that’s good enough reason for her to out-rank a bunch of these other nameless gals.
Hailey rarely makes an appearance save to make some commentary on her fellow females, but she’s got a cool job as a photographer and she digs the ’90s, which is ironic because she kind of resembles someone straight out of a ’90s rom-com.
Christen’s here to break up the monotony of unmemorable girls since she’s had quite a bit of screentime and yet I still have mixed feelings on her. On the one hand, she’s amusing and seems like a reasonable friend and person, but on the other hand my first impression of her was in a yellow prom dress with a paper fan. First impressions stick, and this one continues to knock her down a couple of spots.
Another girl I remember little about, Sarah seems like the classic “Bachelor” contestant that will truly come into herself during “Bachelor in Paradise.” She’ll probably have some breakdown around episode four and, come spring, America will collectively go “oh, yeah, that girl,” and a star will be reborn.
Brittany’s most prominent moment this past episode was spent topless when she had to pose for a mermaid-themed wedding with Nick. However, I have to give her props for it because she didn’t make it out to be some prize she’d won like many of the other girl’s would’ve, and she also made the best out of what could’ve been an awkward and humiliating situation by having fun with it.
Raven is ranked this high solely because I’m not familiar enough with so many of the girls that pre-rank her. The main issue with Raven is that she looks like Ross Geller (why is he this relevant?) when he accidentally forgets to turn in the spray tan booth and gets an extreme fake tan on one half of his body, except that she did, in fact, turn and made herself this hue on purpose. Her second flaw is that she’s very adamant about her Arkansas roots. I’ve never even met anyone from Arkansas, let alone someone so obsessed with the state.
Kristina seems very sweet, but the camera rarely makes time for her. Ah, the cost of being described as “sweet” as a young bachelor contestant.
I could probably copy and paste Kristina’s description under Lacey’s and no one would be the wiser, but Lacey gets an extra step up because her description in her bio is very relatable and she wants to eat burgers and fries with Shakespeare, J.K. Rowling and Joe Jonas (and hopefully an eager Emmy Freedman).
Alexis is next-level bonkers, but the kind of drunken-mess bonkers that Alexis brings to the Bachelor Mansion is a nice reprieve from the bonkers that others like Corinne bring. Just seeing her dressed as Left Shark while convinced she was in a dolphin costume the entire night dolphinitely made my night a whole lot better.
4. Danielle L.
Danielle L. gets enough screentime to prove that she’s a nice girl who seems like she has her life together yet young enough to justify her decision to be on “The Bachelor.”
Perhaps a saint, it’s unclear as to why Vanessa is a contestant on this show among people who are typically more insane than saints. A special education teacher who’s fluent in multiple languages, Vanessa would be No. 1 if we just got the opportunity to see her in action a little more.
Rachel is apparently a successful practicing attorney so I’m a little worried she’s going to have some wacky meltdown later on since there must be something hidden deep down that compelled her to leave that job for this stint.
1. Danielle M.
Danielle M. is the definition of perfection, or as close to a “Bachelor” contestant can get to that. Seemingly down-to-earth and sweet who lost her fiancé to drug addiction, Danielle deserves to find love more than anyone else this season (even Nick, who’s on his fourth — yes, fourth — run on this franchise). Word is Danielle and the always-perfect Wells from last season of “The Bachelorette” are real-life friends, so I think she should just drop out now and they can live happily ever after.
Emmy Freedman is a senior media arts and design and history double major. Contact Emmy at firstname.lastname@example.org.